Nostalgic

"Don't cry because it's over.  Smile because it happened." -Dr. Seuss

I came across this quote the other day and they've been words I've had to live by lately.  What I want to do is cry over everything that's over.  Patrick being a newborn, seeing my dad light up every time Patrick walked through their front door, being young and catching "water skippers"(does anyone know their real name?) in the ditch behind our house, running/walking behind my parent's house with nothing but fields and trees, being involved in the Folk Dance Festival every summer, going to West Yellowstone as a family, joking about my parents being too "lovey" in public, and just having my biggest worry be about whether my frog was buried properly or not.  Yes, I did make my dad bury graves in the middle of winter for various little animals...

I came by being nostalgic honestly.  It's always been fun to hear my parents talk about the days when us kids were little and remembering things I'd forgotten.  The past always seems much better in memory than it probably was actually living through it but I know we had fun.  A lot of fun. I've been pretty blessed all my life and now I really do just need to smile because it happened.  I need to smile because there are things happening right now.  Jon and I have started our own little family and hopefully we'll be able to make a lot of memories that Patrick and our future kids will be able to remember back to with a little nostalgia someday.  And right now, I get to see how much my mom adores Patrick and how he's changed my whole family's life for the better.  I get to see Patrick chase around all of his cousins, on Jon's side, and it makes my heart melt with how much he loves kids and people.  This Saturday, we're celebrating Patrick's birthday and I'll get to start the same traditions of having fancy cakes(if I learn to be talented like my mom was) and fun parties with lots of family and friends. We are so blessed.  Life is hard, but we are still blessed.  Even though some phases of life end, new phases start and I'm so lucky to be able to constantly look back on life with feelings of happiness.

Today I'm nostalgic, yesterday I was tired, the day before I was angry and the day before that I was probably happy.    I hope as time goes on, the feelings of happiness will start to outweigh the other emotions for all of my family but for now, I just need to keep reminding myself to smile because it happened.

  


     

Life is fragile

A lot is going through my mind and this next blog post was going to be about 4th of July, Patrick, etc. and how life somehow goes on even if we don't want it to after a life changing trial in our lives.  But, that's for another day.  Right now I just want to say how grateful I am for the knowledge of eternal families.  Yesterday afternoon I got the news that my aunt Jani had passed away.  She's had heart problems for a long time and has been fighting for a lot of years but it was still unexpected.  Another blow to the family.  Neither her nor my dad were very old.  So, my heart goes out to all of my cousins but especially to my cousins in the Randall family.  The feelings of pain from losing a loved one are still raw and fresh and something I wish no one had to go through.  How nice it will be to finally have this trial of life over with and to feel like you've lived your life the best you could so that you can be with your families forever.  I hate these wake-up calls that are coming a lot lately, but I'm grateful that they make me really think about how I could be better.   

Julie(mom), Brett, Trent, Bart, Jani

Jani will be missed.  She was, as my mom put it, a spiritual, loving, kind-hearted person that had an endless amount of energy.  She had a zest for life and a fierce love for everyone she met.  I'm sure her and my dad are being great missionaries who are loving being free of physical ailments.  As hard as it is, I know they're doing great work on the other side.

I'm constantly being reminded how fragile this life is.  How naive we are thinking we have all the time in the world to be better when really there's no better time to try your hardest than the present.  I want the same thing my dad wanted when he wrote this in his journal(after talking about how his priorities are changing as he gets older).   

  

 "Well, I hope I haven’t been too morbid, talking about the inevitable passing to the other side as if it is in the near future.  I’m totally hoping and expecting to live to a ripe old age and having many years with my family.  But I want to be more prepared when it does happen.  I want my family to be with me, not just here but there also.  I want to take a strong and abiding testimony with me.  I want to be able to say I passed the test with an A-that I was as valiant in this life as we are told we were in the preexistence in order for us to be here in the first place.  In that life, we were all on the Lord’s side.  We loved Him and were willing to come to earth in order to gain a body so we could return to Him.  My age has hopefully made me wiser.  I hope to be even wiser in the future, so the Lord can welcome me with open arms and say, “Welcome home.  I’ve missed you.”  I know the Lord lives.  I know He loves me and my family.  I know He wants us to be with Him.  And I want it, too."

  So, to my dad and to Jani, if you're watching over us right now, I hope you know how much you are loved and missed.  And, I hope I can always remember what a blessing it is to be here, and that no matter how hard things are, this life is still a precious gift that passes faster than we realize.  

Dad

 This is a hard post to write.  Partly because it brings out so many emotions and partly because I want to give my dad the honor he deserves.  As most people already know, my dad passed away on June 16th after his year and a half battle against cancer.  Sometimes it makes me sick to look on facebook and see what people are putting their priority in or to see them proud of wasting so much of their life away because I know how hard my dad fought to be here with us and to endure to the end.  He knew this life is precious and this life is short.  I read a scripture the other day that reminded me of my dad: "An no one can assist in this work except he shall be humble and full of love, having faith, hope, and charity, being temperate in all things, whatsoever shall be entrusted to his care"(D&C 12:8).  My dad was a perfect example to me of this : he was humble and so full of love.  Nothing in this life meant more to him than his love of the Savior and his love for his family.

 I'm reading my dad's journal(for those who don't see a point in journals, it has brought so much comfort and insight into my dad's life) right now and I cannot say how many times he talks about what our priorities should be and it always goes back to serving God and loving our families.  I want to share a passage from his journal that I read last night. It brought tears then and it brought more tears this morning as I read it again.
   

Oct. 6, 1989

Right now I feel very alone and empty.  The reason for those feelings is the absence of Julie and Karolyn and Derek.  Natalie and I are alone in the house, and Natalie has been asleep for several hours.  I have just finished watching "Camelot" on the VCR, and the ending really touched me.  The ending of the movie is sad because King Arthur loses Lady Gweneviere because she has been unfaithful to him, and enemies from within are threatening to take his throne and destroy Camelot and everything Arthur has worked for.  I guess the reason for the feelings of loneliness which I have right now is the realization that, just as with King Arthur, without those I love around me, my life is empty and meaningless.  King Arthur doesn't really care what happens to him in the end because everything is gone, with the exception of the memory of it all and the hope that what he did will be remembered.  I so often put my priorities in the wrong place.  I so often count the things of the world of more importance than the things that really do matter-my family, my church, my loved ones, my values and standards, my salvation.  I think about my little girl, Natalie, lying in her bed in the next room, and I feel so much love for her and so much gratitude that I can be her father.  I think of Julie and Karolyn in Rock Springs for Brittney's baptism, and I feel so much love for them, and I think how empty my life would be if they were never to return.  And I think of Derek at Grandma Clifford's where he's spending the night, and I feel a great love for him and gratitude that he's such a good son and doesn't give any trouble like so many kids do these days.  And I count my blessings.  My children are really precious.  I never realized, of course before I had children, how special they could be.  But I don't know now what I would do without them.  As frustrating as they are at times, and there's no doubt they can be, how empty would life be without all the things they do that make it all worthwhile.  Their laughter, their funny sayings, especially when they're still small, their enthusiasm and boundless energy, their enjoyment of life, their innocence, and their forgiving ways, are treasures that only stay for a brief time and never come again.  I can't imagine Karolyn and Natalie being anything but little girls.  And yet they're growing, and everyday I can see them shedding some of their little-girl ways that make them so endearing.  Some day they'll be adults, and all we'll have will be memories, and that, I'm afraid, in many ways will be a sad day.  I know it comes with the territory, and every parent experiences it, but that won't make it any easier.  These are the moments-these are the things-to cherish.  The things I do with my family will be the things I'll remember years down the road.  I wish I could keep them the way they are right now-small, innocent, fun(my children, that is) and my wife and I young and looking forward to the future.  I've sometimes said that I look forward to grandfatherhood, when my children all have families of their own and visit us for awhile and then leave. Well, that's wishing my life away.  I"m realizing more all the time how short this life is, and wishing the future would come sooner is foolish.  That's like going on a trip and wishing you will quickly arrive at your destination, without enjoying all the sights along the way.  Half the fun of going somewhere is experiencing things before you reach your destination.  There are a lot of things to enjoy in this life, and too little time to enjoy them.  Well, I've rambled enough.  I've shed a few tears while writing this, and I may shed a few more before my family comes home.  But that's okay, tears are part of the stuff life is made of.  They're not the first I've shed, and I'm sure they won't be the last.   

What a great man.  What a great husband, father and grandfather.  Even in death, my dad is showing me how to be a better person, and a better parent. Just reading this passage brought out a new love for Patrick and a realization that I need to do better.  I need to appreciate this phase of life more.  I also came across this message my dad wrote to me a couple months ago:

 Natalie, I read your blog about your mid-life crisis.  I just thought I'd write a few thoughts, since obviously I've been through it myself, although not quite as early as you.  Everyone, at one point or another, has to change their priorities about what's really important in life.  Before you had a family, other things naturally were #1 on your list.  But that all changes when you change your responsibilities, which you have now done.  Patrick and Jon are now, and should be, the most important things in your life.  That doesn't mean you should abandon all your other interest.  You just need to fit them into a more busy schedule.  Believe me, your ability to play has not changed one iota.  You played beautifully at the Christmas program, and you will continue to play beautifully all your life.  I know what it feels like to wonder if it's all still working for you, because I, as you know, have put my art on the backburner for years, but that's been okay, because I've had a great life.  Maybe in my later years, that'll change, but if not, I'm fine.  And you will be, too.  Anyway, we all love you, and that really is all that matters, anyway.
Love, Dad

My dad didn't like this picture because he said he looked doofy but I love it.

Sometimes I ache to have my dad here just so I can tell him how much all of his words of encouragement meant to me.  My uncle Trent said something while he was with us that keeps coming back to me.  He mentioned how lucky we were to have a dad who we knew would never insult us or tear us down.  I know my dad got angry once in awhile but I personally can't remember a time he ever yelled or said a degrading comment to me.  What a great example he was and still is.  I cannot express how grateful I am that this life is not the end.  I can't wait to give my dad a hug and tell him thank you for showing me what's important in this life and I can't wait till my parents see each other again because it will be such a sweet reunion between two people who love each other more than life itself.


We love you dad.

10 months

I realized today that Patrick is going to be 11 months in a couple weeks and I haven't even written his 10 month post.  So, here's some things Patrick learned this month:

Giving hugs
Waving hi and bye
Walking like a champ(technically the walking started at 9 1/2 months but he's much better now)
Feeding himself with all types of finger food
It sounds like he's trying to say Grandma but it comes out as ah-ma
Throwing tantrums.  Really they're not bad but he throws himself on the ground, cries out and then he's good
Blowing kisses

Patrick's favorite toy.  My...um...feminine products.  I should take them away but they keep him entertained the whole time I get ready.

Patrick's favorite place.  Sitting in the high chair waiting to get fed.  He's still loves almost anything.

And here's one of my favorite places.  I told my dad he had to paint this for me and add a cute little family on the lawn.  We're still praying he can someday.  I've been wondering lately why my whole house isn't filled with paintings from my dad.    

Thank You

 I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the prayers and support.  We appreciate them more than we can say.  Just for an update: we're back from the hospital and hospice will come in to help take care of my dad.  Both of my parents are being so strong through all of this and I'm just grateful I have them to look up to.  I couldn't have been blessed with better parents.      

And dad, we love you and will take all the time we can get.  We always have hope.

Another great afternoon :)

I have to say Patrick loves the park almost as much as I do.  Right now his favorite activity is being outside of the stroller and pushing it along the grass.  I have the cutest video but unfortunately my phone won't let me "share" it like I can with the pictures.  Maybe tomorrow I'll remember my camera.  

Patrick hated the feel of grass for awhile but now he thinks it's the greatest thing ever.  Especially when there's dandelions to eat.

As I was watching Patrick push along the stroller today(which he's perfectly content doing for a good 20 min.), I was reminded how much I love this little boy.

 I love that he starts clapping every time he hears music or every time we act excited over something he's done.

 I love that in the middle of play time, he'll take a break to just cuddle with me before going back to his toys.

I love that he has his own toothbrush and loves to brush his teeth with me every morning.

I love that we're best buds and he wants to be by my side all day long.  I'm starting to realize I'm going to dread the day he realizes mom isn't so cool anymore.

 I love his little laugh and I love that he smiles at everyone he meets.

 I love that he's so outgoing but acts shy and cuddles into me anytime someone shows him attention.

 I love how he tries to play with Max and Abby(mostly by taking away their toys and grabbing their fur)

I love that every morning I can hear him happily chatting away in our monitor when he wakes up and I love that when I go get him from his crib, he smiles at me like I'm his favorite person in the world.

This post wasn't meant to be mushy but lately I've just been thinking a lot about how everything is different with your first child.  Never again will I be able to devote so much time to one little person(no, I'm not pregnant).  Next time we have a baby, I'm going to be chasing Patrick around while trying to love another little baby.  I won't be able to do what I did with Patrick, just sitting in a rocking chair in his bedroom, singing him to sleep, having no other obligation in the world other than to care for this one child.  I feel like it takes all my energy to care for one child, I don't know how all of you care for multiple kids!  I guess I'll learn...in awhile.  Right now I'm content giving Patrick all the lovin' he could ever want.

Rexburg

In my last post, I mentioned that we might be in Rexburg forever because of Jon's new job.  One week down and Jon is really enjoying everything about the company.  Next week he starts on a big project and he's pretty excited about it.  I've made it no secret that I really want to move away from Rexburg, so while I was really excited for Jon, it's also a little hard for me to give up my dream of living in California...close to the coast...in San Diego with perfect weather...and palm trees...etc. ;)  That's just me dreaming because who's to say he would have found a job in California.  Anyway, I love being around family but I've always made it clear that it would be nice to experience life away from this little town for at least a couple years.  Honestly, I don't know if Jon will stay with this company forever or if he'll get another offer somewhere else in a few years, or make his millions developing apps(wouldn't that be nice ;)), but since I've had to think of being here awhile longer, I'm starting to appreciate things about Rexburg that I've always taken for granted.  Like, how great is it that I can walk to the park without the fear of getting mugged?  Or, how great is it that a temple is 5 min. away from our house?  And, how great is it that my son will grow up feeling safe and surrounded by people who love him?  I've even started noticing how great parts of Rexburg are starting to look.  This little town is growing, and some of the landscaping is really nice.  Jon and I will occasionally take drives up by the temple just to relax and enjoy how nice everything looks up there.  Sometimes we even dream about living in one of those crazy large houses, too. ;)  So, while I will always despise the cold temperatures(I really can't emphasize enough how much I hate this) for 9 months of the year, and while I still dream of traveling all over the place, Rexburg is starting to re-grow on me.  And who knows, maybe we will move someday but if not, I'm starting to be ok with that.

Our latest events

So, this post is just a mixture of random events happening in our life.

Firstly, this little cutie and I have started taking daily trips to the park.  One reason is because I love parks.  If I had to choose a  "happy place" in life, it would be at a park.  It's like being in nature without actually being out in nature.  It reminds me of favorite birthdays growing up, eating a picnic and playing games at the park.  Sandwiches never taste so good as they do at a park.  My second reason for going is because I go crazy being at home all day.  Never thought I would say that but I do.  Being a stay at home mom is so much harder than just being home, hanging out all day.  I love hanging out with this little man, but we often need a change of scenery, for more than one reason.

By the way, Patrick took his first step yesterday!  So, by 9 1/2 months Patrick can now take a few steps, wave hi and bye, give kisses, clap(he mostly does this when we say, Ya!) and he says mama and dada.  He's started copying hi and bye but I can't really say he means to.  Soon enough though.  The kisses he actually started a few weeks ago but I forgot to record in his 8 month post.  



Second event: we celebrated Derek's birthday.  Happy Birthday to my awesome brother!  Unfortunately, we won't see as much of him starting this fall because he's going to go get his master's degree.  So Derek, we'll miss you but I know you'll rock the program and be a great teacher to all of this little freshman college students!

Thirdly, it was Mother's Day this weekend.  Oh, I so love being a mom to this cute guy.  Never has anything been so frustrating and so rewarding.  I've always wanted to be a mom but once Patrick came I realized just how emotionally and physically exhausting it can be.  At the same time, I would do anything for this little boy and I wouldn't change this role for anything.  Also, I just want to give a shout out to my own mother.  I was soo lucky to have a great example to look up to growing up and I know she would do anything for her kids. It's nice to know that I can go to her for anything and she'll always listen and be understanding.  I'm also lucky to have a great mother-in-law who raised such great kids. ;)  Patrick's lucky to have such great examples.

Lastly.....................................................Jon got a new job!!!  Goodbye Broulims.  While we appreciate the employment for the last 3 1/2 years, we're also excited that Jon gets to leave.  As of tomorrow, Jon starts at AMX International.  We're excited because 1) it pays better, 2) the hours are during the day, 3) Jon will be one of their computer programmers, which is what his degree is in, 4) there's lots of room to grow within the company, especially after he graduates.  I could probably name more reasons why we're excited about this but I'll stop there.  I'm just super proud of my smart hubby and I'm so excited that these people saw his talents.  He's applied at other places and they were quite flaky and this one just...fell into place.  They were really impressed with his programming skills and he was hired within a couple days.  I guess this means we'll probably be in Rexburg for....maybe forever.  We'll see. :)

26

Jon turned 26 this last Thursday.  26.  When did we grow up?

Happy Birthday, Jon.  We love you.

Sometimes I try to run

So, I don't write much on here about physical fitness stuff but I just thought I would share that I hit a milestone tonight.  I realized I can actually run 30 min. straight and complete a 5K.  For all you runners out there, laugh at me all you want since it's nothing to some people, but I'm proud.  Also, I know running on a treadmill is easier than on a road but it's progress.  Someday I'll be good at this running thing. ;)