Inside my head for a moment.

    Life is busy.  I don't think life will ever slow down.  Maybe that's a good thing.  Maybe not.  Sometimes I think it would be nice if there were more hours in the day.  But really, I'm glad there aren't more hours in the day because I wouldn't have energy to get through them.  And we all think we're busier than the next person.  The stay at home mom looks at people going to work and is envious that at least they get a lunch break, and they come home and are done.  The people going to work look at the people staying home and think it would be nice to just hang out at home all day.
   I look at facebook and I am reminded everyday how hypocritical we are as human beings.  I've read soo many stupid articles about the government, homeschool vs. public school, stay at home moms vs. working moms, why people who feed their kids formula aren't providing the best for their kids, articles telling moms to stop worrying about if breast milk is best because you have to do what's best for you, ya da ya da.  And they all suck me in.  They all make me question how I am as a mom, as a person, or as an American citizen.  I'm sorta tired of it.  I read an article on how us moms need to give ourselves a break and then I feel good about my mothering skills but then I think, "Shouldn't I be hard on myself?  I want to always improve, not find articles that give me an excuse to plop my kid in front of a tv and eat fruit snacks all day."  I get that we need to be educated in what's going on in our world but sometimes I don't want to compare myself to what other moms are doing, or what the generation before us did, and honestly, I don't care why someone decides to homeschool their child or not(for the sake of offending people, I'm purely talking about articles that bash public school teachers).

    So, I"m writing this post so that maybe someday my kids will read back through this little family journal and they'll see what mom did on an average day.  Not to compare but just to see that we're all human.    
   On an average day, my alarm goes off at 5:50.  Without fail I have a debate in my head.  "Is the gym really worth it?  I'm stinkin' tired.  It's cold outside.  Why would I sacrifice my sleep?  Other people don't get up this early to workout"  Excuse after excuse.  And then I talk myself into it because I know there isn't another time in the day that I can go.  I give myself a little pep talk every morning that I'm glad I go workout because it makes me feel good.  I like seeing definition showing on my stomach that has carried two babies.  I like that I ran five miles, rehaired some bows, bathed and fed two children and went grocery shopping before 9:30.  I like that I see the speed of my miles improving and mornings like today where my average mile pace is 7:30, I feel good.  And reminding myself of that gets me up in the mornings, when I really don't want to.  To make up for my hard work in the morning, I'm probably not going to get dressed for awhile.  If you come to my house at 11:00 in the morning, you just might see that I'm still in my workout clothes.  Other moms might think that's crazy, especially if they don't know my morning routine, but I don't care.
 
    Some days I might stop by the music store with Patrick(during Aiden's nap) to rehair bows if I don't think I can get them all done in the early morning.
 
    Some days I take my kids to the park and then I think, "I should do this more often."
 
    Some days I teach violin in the morning and afternoon.
   
    Some days I do the dishes.

   Some days I write a post on here because I know how much I cherished my dad's journal entries after he passed away.

   Jon and I decided to become partners in building apps.  I'm really easy to bug to get things done because I live with him. ;)  So, what did I do?  Look on youtube and now I'm doing graphics for a game that I think will be great.  Time for that usually comes at 10-12 at night.

  I've always wanted to be good at taking cute pictures of my kids and decided now is as good of time as any so I've started taking them out for little photo shoots and researching how to use photoshop(slooow process for me).

   Recently I decided that since I was reminded that music makes me happy, I should play more.  And after two full weeks of rehearsals/shows almost every night, some until 12, it's time to slow that hobby down a little.

 Some days I lose my patience.

  A lot of days I cry over the unfair and cruel nature of cancer.

  The hospital is by my house and some days I hear the life flight helicopter leaving and I weep for a family I don't know.

   Everyday, my brain feels full.  Hobbies and outlets are great things but my job in this life is to first be a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, etc.  Family is everything in this life and a lot of times it's hard to find that balance.  And that balance is different for everyone.

   Sometimes I fail at being successful in my pursuits and sometimes I don't.  I've been thinking lately about cancelling facebook and instagram because I don't want my self-esteem being based on how many "likes" or comments I get.  I probably won't but I entertain the thought a lot.  Social life hasn't been my strong suit since being married and that's ok, too.  I'm working on it. :)  And if no one comments on this post, I'm working at not comparing myself to others who get 10 comments on a post about what they ate for dinner.

   Recently I played for a rock production.  The people who hired me were from the group Midas Whale(if anyone's seen The Voice, you might know them), and my first tendency was to be a little timid around them.  They've been on tv.  People are separated into classes and I'm not in their class.  And then I had this life changing moment where I thought, "why are they any better than me?  I've been through my schooling.  I've practiced hour after hour on this instrument.  I might not have pursued my instrument enough to get on tv but I have a family.  I have kids and that's an important job, too."  They didn't do anything to make me feel inferior(they're actually pretty nice) but I let myself feel that way at first.  And then I got over it.  With everyone.  I've always backed down when I've felt someone's personality was stronger but I'm over it.  I'm happy with who I am and that's a good feeling.  I'm not perfect at feeling this way but I'm getting there.  Not to be cocky, but so that I don't feel bad about who I am as a person.  When I'm confident with myself, I'm more willing and able to serve others and that's what we're here for.

   Good job if you've made it this far because this is, again, a random post but I recently saw a quote that said, "Promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate."  I also think it could say, "Promote what you love instead of bashing what you're jealous of."  Maybe that doesn't flow as well?  Either way, I love the idea of promoting what we love.  So I'm going to do that by posting this picture:

    What's not to love?

Sleeping Aiden

There's nothing quite like watching a sweet little baby sleeping.

Technically he's not sleeping but he had just woken up so it kind of counts...

I also love it when your baby is finally big/sturdy enough to sit in the shopping cart.  Perfect little shopping buddy.  I may or may not talk to my kids the whole time I'm shopping and I may look a little crazy sometimes.  And for some reason, if I go to the store by myself and push around a cart, I still want to say everything I'm thinking out loud...but I don't.

And since we're just being random now, here is another picture of Aiden sitting and smiling.  Not an uncommon sight at our house.

Construction has begun on my mom's new addition.  Patrick loves the "coo trucks."

He's going to thank me for these pictures someday, when he's 16, and we're breaking out these books for future girlfriends.

For those curious, Patrick isn't potty trained yet.  We went a whole 3 days before I realized he wasn't quite ready..and neither was I.

Sometimes you've just got to have some naked time at your house. The boys obviously love it.

Aiden at 7 months

My baby is 7 months old.  This has been a big month for him.  He's becoming quite the strong little boy.  He's sitting up really well, rolling around like a champ and has mastered the backwards crawl.   Lately he's started pulling himself up to things so that he can stand.  Where is my baby?  He's going to be walking before he figures out how to crawl forward. Jumping in the jumperoo is a daily exercise...he's just a really active little boy. :)
                                         

Aiden loves to hear the sound of his own voice and is quite the little talker.  I can't say that he's clearly said mama or dada but he's playing around with those sounds a lot and usually when he's frustrated, he'll say mamamamama!  He definitely lets us know when he's not happy, which is mostly when he's hungry or bored, but in general he is still a super content little man.

I can't describe how much joy it gives me to see these two together.  Patrick is such a good older brother and Aiden adores Patrick.  Patrick has made Aiden smile and laugh at times when Jon and I could do nothing to make him happy.  I love watching these two grow together and as hard as it was to have two kids close together, it's completely worth it.

I forgot to add Aiden's 6 month stats to his last post, but I thought it'd be fun to compare his and Patrick's numbers.

Aiden at 6 months:
                    Weight: 18.06 pds.-53rd percentile
                     Height: 27.12 in.- 67th percentile
                    Head: 17 in.-27th percentile
Patrick at 6 months:
                    Weight: 20.8 pds-91st percentile
                    Height: 27.7 in.- 83rd percentile
                    Head: 17.5 in.
Looking at their numbers side by side, Patrick doesn't seem like he was a lot bigger, but those 2 pounds seem to make a big difference.  I'm grateful Aiden still seems like a smaller baby.  Even though I see his babyness slipping away every day, he still seems like my little baby that came home from the hospital weighing 4 pds.  I'm glad he's not doing the traditional crawl yet because it would make him seem that much older.  With Patrick, I focused a lot more on the milestones and helping him achieve them early but with Aiden, I'm more than happy to let him slowly figure things out.  I don't care if he crawls, walks or talks earlier than the neighbor's baby.  That's something I wish I could have relaxed more about with Patrick.  Live and learn.

Aiden, we wouldn't change a thing about you.  We love you little man.  Happy 7 months!  

Happy

Happiness, in general, has been on my mind a lot lately.  People I love have gone and are going through experiences that have or will change their life.  My life has changed over the past few years and I can't say I've always handled it gracefully.

It is so easy to think life will become easier once you're past the phase you're in.  When I was single, I looked at married people and couldn't help but look forward to when I could feel more settled and be so in love with one person(go ahead, roll your eyes.).  Then I got married and life was good but I saw stay-at-home moms and thought how much fun it would be to stop with the busy life of various jobs and stay at home with a cute, precious baby.  We got pregnant and miscarried and I looked at pregnant women with envy.  We got pregnant again and morning sickness hit...hard...and for a long time. I looked at women with little babies and I couldn't wait until I wasn't pregnant.  Patrick came and all of the sudden my world turned upside down and I was exhausted and I looked at people without kids and I was envious that they could go to the grocery store by themselves.  And I was envious that when they were sick they could call in a sick day and recuperate...alone.  And for some reason, I got baby hungry really soon after we had Patrick and the whole process started over again.  Mixed with everything else going on in life, I found it really hard to just be happy.  

Disclaimer: My Savior, the gospel and my family are most important to me in this life.  Without the gospel to give me direction and my Savior and family to give me strength and support, I would be nothing.

With that said, I've found it's really important to find things that make us happy, despite what is going on in our life.  There is never going to be a perfect phase of life.  I think about how nice it will be when I'm not packing, what feels like, my whole house just to take two little kids to the grocery store but I already know I'm going to be sad when Patrick doesn't want me to sing to him at night.  

I don't talk a lot about fitness on this blog but I'm finding that a regular fitness routine is needed in my life for me to be happy.  Even though we went to bed at 11:45 last night, I still set my alarm for 5:50 this morning so that I could go get my triathlon training in.  The pool was calling me. ;)  From 6:00-7:30, that is my time to be by myself, doing something that makes me happy. I can set and achieve goals that give me confidence.  I've found that I love doing races and they give me motivation to get up on mornings when I would much rather stay in bed.  Lately I've been thinking about how I feel like I'm getting in the best shape of my life.  I'm running farther and faster than I ever have, I can finally swim and I actually look forward to lifting weights.  I still have a long way to go but I don't care.  I'm getting there...wherever "there" is.

However, every time I went to the gym, I felt a twinge of sadness because I've always been the music nerd and the more I work on one goal, the less time I have for a different goal.  I feel like it's easy to always be striving to be perfect at life but still feel like you're constantly failing.  I couldn't be totally happy at my new physical accomplishments because I was losing a skill that I'd spent years working on.  I thought I didn't have time to practice my violin but all of the sudden I've been asked to play  for various things in my ward and play for the Rexburg orchestra again and the Lord is helping me find time to play.  And I was less rusty than I thought. ;)  And I am again reminded how much music makes me happy.   

I don't know if this post makes sense and it probably isn't important to anyone other than myself, but my point is that it's easy to get depressed and bogged down with life.  It's easy to want what you don't have.

If only I had that person's life, then I could be happy...

But really, we make our own happiness.  There are people that help us find happiness but they can't do it all for us.  No marriage is perfect, no child is perfect, no person is born with a perfect body or the ability to touch any instrument and play it perfectly on their first try.

Patrick's kisses make me happy.  Aiden's smile makes me happy.  Jon's comforting words and hugs make me happy.  Feeling a peace at church makes me happy.  Seeing how much my kids love their grandparents makes me happy.  Knowing the Lord is involved in my life makes me happy. Find what makes you happy, serve others, and the Lord will help you find what you're looking.

These two little men make me pretty happy.