Dad

 This is a hard post to write.  Partly because it brings out so many emotions and partly because I want to give my dad the honor he deserves.  As most people already know, my dad passed away on June 16th after his year and a half battle against cancer.  Sometimes it makes me sick to look on facebook and see what people are putting their priority in or to see them proud of wasting so much of their life away because I know how hard my dad fought to be here with us and to endure to the end.  He knew this life is precious and this life is short.  I read a scripture the other day that reminded me of my dad: "An no one can assist in this work except he shall be humble and full of love, having faith, hope, and charity, being temperate in all things, whatsoever shall be entrusted to his care"(D&C 12:8).  My dad was a perfect example to me of this : he was humble and so full of love.  Nothing in this life meant more to him than his love of the Savior and his love for his family.

 I'm reading my dad's journal(for those who don't see a point in journals, it has brought so much comfort and insight into my dad's life) right now and I cannot say how many times he talks about what our priorities should be and it always goes back to serving God and loving our families.  I want to share a passage from his journal that I read last night. It brought tears then and it brought more tears this morning as I read it again.
   

Oct. 6, 1989

Right now I feel very alone and empty.  The reason for those feelings is the absence of Julie and Karolyn and Derek.  Natalie and I are alone in the house, and Natalie has been asleep for several hours.  I have just finished watching "Camelot" on the VCR, and the ending really touched me.  The ending of the movie is sad because King Arthur loses Lady Gweneviere because she has been unfaithful to him, and enemies from within are threatening to take his throne and destroy Camelot and everything Arthur has worked for.  I guess the reason for the feelings of loneliness which I have right now is the realization that, just as with King Arthur, without those I love around me, my life is empty and meaningless.  King Arthur doesn't really care what happens to him in the end because everything is gone, with the exception of the memory of it all and the hope that what he did will be remembered.  I so often put my priorities in the wrong place.  I so often count the things of the world of more importance than the things that really do matter-my family, my church, my loved ones, my values and standards, my salvation.  I think about my little girl, Natalie, lying in her bed in the next room, and I feel so much love for her and so much gratitude that I can be her father.  I think of Julie and Karolyn in Rock Springs for Brittney's baptism, and I feel so much love for them, and I think how empty my life would be if they were never to return.  And I think of Derek at Grandma Clifford's where he's spending the night, and I feel a great love for him and gratitude that he's such a good son and doesn't give any trouble like so many kids do these days.  And I count my blessings.  My children are really precious.  I never realized, of course before I had children, how special they could be.  But I don't know now what I would do without them.  As frustrating as they are at times, and there's no doubt they can be, how empty would life be without all the things they do that make it all worthwhile.  Their laughter, their funny sayings, especially when they're still small, their enthusiasm and boundless energy, their enjoyment of life, their innocence, and their forgiving ways, are treasures that only stay for a brief time and never come again.  I can't imagine Karolyn and Natalie being anything but little girls.  And yet they're growing, and everyday I can see them shedding some of their little-girl ways that make them so endearing.  Some day they'll be adults, and all we'll have will be memories, and that, I'm afraid, in many ways will be a sad day.  I know it comes with the territory, and every parent experiences it, but that won't make it any easier.  These are the moments-these are the things-to cherish.  The things I do with my family will be the things I'll remember years down the road.  I wish I could keep them the way they are right now-small, innocent, fun(my children, that is) and my wife and I young and looking forward to the future.  I've sometimes said that I look forward to grandfatherhood, when my children all have families of their own and visit us for awhile and then leave. Well, that's wishing my life away.  I"m realizing more all the time how short this life is, and wishing the future would come sooner is foolish.  That's like going on a trip and wishing you will quickly arrive at your destination, without enjoying all the sights along the way.  Half the fun of going somewhere is experiencing things before you reach your destination.  There are a lot of things to enjoy in this life, and too little time to enjoy them.  Well, I've rambled enough.  I've shed a few tears while writing this, and I may shed a few more before my family comes home.  But that's okay, tears are part of the stuff life is made of.  They're not the first I've shed, and I'm sure they won't be the last.   

What a great man.  What a great husband, father and grandfather.  Even in death, my dad is showing me how to be a better person, and a better parent. Just reading this passage brought out a new love for Patrick and a realization that I need to do better.  I need to appreciate this phase of life more.  I also came across this message my dad wrote to me a couple months ago:

 Natalie, I read your blog about your mid-life crisis.  I just thought I'd write a few thoughts, since obviously I've been through it myself, although not quite as early as you.  Everyone, at one point or another, has to change their priorities about what's really important in life.  Before you had a family, other things naturally were #1 on your list.  But that all changes when you change your responsibilities, which you have now done.  Patrick and Jon are now, and should be, the most important things in your life.  That doesn't mean you should abandon all your other interest.  You just need to fit them into a more busy schedule.  Believe me, your ability to play has not changed one iota.  You played beautifully at the Christmas program, and you will continue to play beautifully all your life.  I know what it feels like to wonder if it's all still working for you, because I, as you know, have put my art on the backburner for years, but that's been okay, because I've had a great life.  Maybe in my later years, that'll change, but if not, I'm fine.  And you will be, too.  Anyway, we all love you, and that really is all that matters, anyway.
Love, Dad

My dad didn't like this picture because he said he looked doofy but I love it.

Sometimes I ache to have my dad here just so I can tell him how much all of his words of encouragement meant to me.  My uncle Trent said something while he was with us that keeps coming back to me.  He mentioned how lucky we were to have a dad who we knew would never insult us or tear us down.  I know my dad got angry once in awhile but I personally can't remember a time he ever yelled or said a degrading comment to me.  What a great example he was and still is.  I cannot express how grateful I am that this life is not the end.  I can't wait to give my dad a hug and tell him thank you for showing me what's important in this life and I can't wait till my parents see each other again because it will be such a sweet reunion between two people who love each other more than life itself.


We love you dad.