I feel like there have been a couple things in my life that have made me look at my life and wonder who I really am. The biggest things have been marriage and having a baby. But most recently it was a rehearsal. College brought about these thoughts too but not to this degree. I used to do rehearsals quite frequently but as I was playing this week, I felt so totally incompetent. And as I looked to the person in front of me, I saw a person who seemed completely competent and confident. Cocky really. Music has always been a huge part of my life. But, going away from that rehearsal I felt totally at a loss as to who I am. I didn't even want to go back. It feels like, to me, music has become a popularity contest. And through marriage and having a baby, I'm slipping into mediocre/bad playing land and wondering if I'm really "popular" enough to make it. More importantly, I don't know if I even care. I know if I practiced for a few hours a day I could be a different player than I am now and I could fit in with "serious" players but honestly I don't even think I want to. I talk to Jon more about zoology, geology, OB, home and family studies, lifting weights and psychology/behaviors(just for a few examples) more than I do about music. This is big for me because whenever people ask me what I do or like my response has always been, "I do music." Patrick has brought a new passion(and I'm not even sure I could call music a passion in comparison) out of me that I am soo grateful for. I could go more into my thoughts but I don't really think this is the place, because I have thought more deeply on the subject, but I hope other people have felt this "mid life crisis". With that said, I'm soo grateful for music, I'm grateful I have a job in it and I still hope my kids are interested in it when they're older. I am going back to the rehearsals but it's just a self esteem hit knowing you're working your way to the bottom of something that used to help give you self-esteem.
On a side note: has anyone else's baby struggled with separation anxiety at night? Patrick has always been a great sleeper and I've worked hard to make that so, but the last couple nights he's woken up crying a couple times in the night. He's always gone back to sleep but tonight he won't(hence my post at 3 in the morning). I went out and held him and all he wants is for me to cuddle with him and he goes right back to sleep. At the moment I'm actually, thankfully, enjoying the extra cuddle time with my baby but I know that's not going to last long. I don't even have a slight clue as to what to do about it...
Happy New Year! | 2023 Recap
10 months ago
Nat, your priorities have shifted is all. Life changes, and new things become important with that change. You will always and forever love music, and still be a part of it, but you have other priorities that have changed your mind about the "competitiveness" of your music currently. That's the beauty of life, it's always changing so we never get bored. :) I'm sure one day once you settle into family life, you'll be glad you still had your music on the back burner to give you a piece of mind and relive those "best days" of music. And quite frankly, I'm sure your description of playing poorly is your personal bar you've set. I bet you still sound AMAZING and you can play for me any day! :):):)
ReplyDeleteIts okay to grow and change and discover new abilities and talents about yourself. Isn't it exciting to think about other jobs and opportunities that you could possibly do and do well? It sounds like you're becoming an even more well rounded person. I think your priorities being a wife and young mother have changed along with your new responsibilities. I think music will always be a special part of who you are. It is for me. I enjoy playing for fun! And those ladies who take it way too seriously drive me bonkers too! :) No worries.
ReplyDeleteThank you both. :) Had it not been 3 in the morning, I probably wouldn't have posted this entry. Everything seems more dramatic in the middle of the night with a crying baby. ha ha
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